some thoughts..

Words.. never fails to amaze me.. the way it can be evolve into. A simple word, in fact, could be interpreted into 1001 ways to hell or heaven. It’s all up to individual perspective. I do believe that good things do happen to people whom are kind. I believe there’s a better future ahead of me. No doubt school life is like HELL in terms of exams and work load, but I do not once dread that life in school is boring. (or perhaps it does, sometimes). Besides, exams, there’s many things I would want to achieve. I love the idea of going overseas to work or study.. Or to even just travel around the world.. without any burden in studies and work load. I believe that everyone knows someone for a reason. To be honest, there’s like certain “undisclosed” amount of time that I would want to end my life. Like from the point of time when I can’t get into a secondary school I wanted to after I got my PSLE result. I cried like hell. Seriously. ( i know tt’s like freaking lame, but at that point of time, a good secondary school seems like my only goal in life.. so you can’t expect much from a 12 yr old kid either yeah?) After I got into secondary school, I hated my school life from the very beginning. Cos I had no friends that I know of, and I hate to make friends all over again. I feel like a failure whenever I get home, and I hate it when I had to wear tt fugly colour combination uniform. I cried silently almost everyday, just bcos I do not have any friends in school. Ain’t I pathetic? Haha. Yeah, I think I was. But after I’d got to know my best friends in secondary school, tt’s a new chapter of my life. In fact, a great one. I love my friends that I had made in sec school. My best friends are all there, we could talk craps the whole day, study and play together. To the extend that, when I’d shifted my house to the East (i.e. like the Tampines area!!) I did not wish to ask for a transfer of school. (cos my sec school was in Clementi.. -_-). By then, I thought my sad and anti-social days would have gone with the winds.. But another bottom rock hits when I got to enter JC.. gosh.. the 1st half year of JC was a fucked up horrendous experience. Not only I feel I was back to my anti-social life.. the worst thing tt could happen was when my mum got a serious illness.. (i.e. cancer) For that period of time I was in total numbness. My school work was flop and I couldn’t be bothered with classes. I skipped school to look for my mum. My mum was going through operations, and then chemo. It didn’t help when I had to see her everyday with that gaunt appearance.. she lost at least 10 kg or sth.. hair falling off each passing days.. and looking at her feeling so weak and helpless in the bed. I dunno what’s tt feeling. It’s complicated. Actually I even wonder if I am cold-blooded or sth? Cos I dun remember crying.. Or did I? But whenever I just face her, I couldn’t help but winder what will happen if she just leave me suddenly? This thought shudders me. I wanna escape, to run away from this problem. Will god answers to my prayers? Perhaps He did. Cos thank goodness, everything went well for my mum. Sometimes, a word to tell my mum to say ” mummy, I love u” or sth.. couldn’t be express in words… However, I’m really grateful to what I have now, as a human being, i still have a complete family. The feeling of losing someone is, i know, inevitable. No doubt, we are conscious of this fact that one very fine day, we will all have to be separated from this world.. But our memories will never be forgotten.. As to what it was in the past, present and future. Cos no matter what tomorrow holds, we will never ever know.
Dunno why am i talking abt this.. but just some crappiness within me… guess ermm.. some thoughts of the past that I would like to pen down before my memory really fails me.. hah. yeah, tt’s about all.